For more information about ALS visit the ALS Association’s Homepage

I’ve had so much fear that I’ve ended up in the hospital many times over the years with panic attacks and heart palpitations or arrhythmia. I’ve been afraid to go places, join activities, plan ahead, and even make friends – because of fear.

When I began having breathing problems and heaviness in my left arm at the beginning of the year in 2008, the fear welled up within me. I went to several doctors, all of them attempting to rule out other conditions and telling me they were sure I didn’t have ALS, but in my heart I knew something was terribly wrong. Finally I visited a neurologist in September who told me he was 99% sure I didn’t have the disease, but he’d do an EMG if I wanted one as a formality and to ease my mind. George went to church that Sunday and told everyone I’d been examined, and the doctor had said I didn’t have the disease. It told him I just wasn’t sure. Things just weren’t right.

One Sunday I didn’t go to church because I couldn’t. I was home paralyzed with fear. Dave Herz (church elder) has always had an uncanny way of seeing and knowing when I’m battling something. He came to my house that afternoon to talk to me and pray for me. He sat next to me as I fumbled with my hands and sobbed with red eyes, tear-stained cheeks and runny nose and listened to me tell him, “Dave, I’m scared. Not this. I don’t want this disease. I can’t handle it.”

In his kind bass voice he said, “Pam, I don’t want you to have this disease either, and I’m going to pray that you don’t have it, but you know God will give you the grace you need when you need it to handle whatever you have to face. We all love you. We’re praying for you, and we’ll all be here to help you.” As he prayed, I felt a calm come over me, and I was able to relax the rest of that day.

When I had the EMG test done, the doctor noted there were significant changes since he had seen me three weeks prior. The test indicated that I indeed had muscle wasting and neuron-pathway abnormalities - in other words – ALS. As I sat there and cried, he patted my hand and said how sorry he was. I drove home and cried some more. I called George at work, and we cried together. He came home, and we cried again. We talked about how much we love each other, our family and our church family. We talked about unfulfilled hopes and dreams, and for that night, locked ourselves away from everyone else so we could process our bad news.

The next day I prayed “Lord, you know how afraid I’ve been for many years of this disease, and now here I am facing the thing I’ve feared most. I need you to just take care of all of this because I can’t. I need to feel your loving embrace. I need you to give me peace. I’m giving all of it to you; all the fear, sadness and broken dreams. I’m tired of thrashing about. I just can’t struggle with it anymore. Please help me.”

Afterward, I noticed I didn’t feel the paralyzing fear anymore. I felt calm with a peace I’d never had until then. I realized Dave had been right. God had given me what I needed when I needed it.

I still have times of fear and sadness, to be sure. I don’t want to leave my family. I want to see my granddaughter grow up. It’s not easy to see myself becoming weaker. I need help with everyday things we all take for granted, like putting on a pair of socks, buckling a seatbelt or pulling my blanket up for sleep each night. My breathing continues to be difficult and seems to be slightly worse. But my husband is proving to be a gentle and wonderful helper, and above all, I still have peace.

The secret to having peace was in completely surrendering myself to God. I needed to stop struggling in my own strength and let him take care of it. A verse in Deuteronomy has become a very special verse for me. “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”

Something that I never would have thought is that I would be able to thank God for my illness, but I’ve been able to do just that. I can see that this illness is part of my purpose here on earth, and I intend to do what God wants me to do as long as he gives me breath. I’m thankful for each new day, and I truly enjoy my time with family and friends. I’ve been able to share my faith with others in a very different way. What we believe in (being Christian) isn’t meant to just make us better people. It reveals our purpose for living, gives us determination to tell others, and prepares us to be with our Savior in our real home – Heaven.

Allowing God to help me defeat Satan and his grip on my mind has made me stronger. I can see the battle more clearly now, so I’m more aware of Satan’s attempts to defeat me. Best of all, I know who’s in my corner, and I know He’ll never leave me or forsake me. I’m the daughter of the most powerful and loving Almighty God.
You’re his child too.”

Pam Brewer – (January 2009)

ALS is Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. It’s a motor neuron disease. The nerves begin to die at the central nervous system in the spine. They don’t send electrical impulses to the muscles like they should, and the muscles begin to die. The body becomes weaker and less functional eventually resulting in the person being unable to move. Breathing becomes more difficult as the muscles that control the diaphragm and lungs no longer function correctly. Inability to swallow occurs when those muscles begin to die. Speech becomes very difficult, sometimes impossible. The mind is not affected. Usually people eventually slip into a coma from difficulty breathing and a weak heart muscle and pass away. The members of my family that have had the disease have lasted from 9 months to 1 ½ years.*

Pam went home to be with Jesus on Tuesday, March 17, 2009.